In addition to Women’s History Month, National Craft Month and Irish American Heritage Month - in our household, March has clearly become the month of the hypocrite. With a dark sense of irony and shame I drove my daughter around our neighborhood at 2 am last night in the pleading hope that she would stop her incessant, endless, pain-filled, non-stop, ear shattering, head splitting, sleep interrupting crying and go the #@$& to sleep!
This story actually begins as Elissa and I sat on the couch pre baby (ies) watching a Toyota (I think) commercial. To quickly summarize: In the commercial a Father was driving his baby around in the hopes that she would finally fall asleep… I think the exact quote one of us said was, “Are you kidding me, that’s insane that someone would drive in circles like that to get their kid to sleep, they are clearly awful parents and complete idiots.”
At around 1:30 am her fever had finally gone down from 102 but she was still clearly miserable and in much discomfort and would not settle down. We tried bottles of formula, water, coke, pepsi, sprite, 7up apple juice, V8, fresh squeezed lemonade she would not drink a drop.
Like a D-List version of America’s Got Talent we walked her endlessly around the house shushing and singing any and every song that came to mind. We watched Fox news, South Park, MTV, Sesame Street and the only thing to make a dent was Carlito’s Way on BET (I guess she likes gangster movies) which calmed her down for about half an hour.
But no matter how much we begged and pleaded with her, we had to resort to the trusty Volkswagen and wouldn't you know it, it worked. I was barely out of the driveway and the crying stopped and after ¼ mile she was asleep. I did two miles around the neighborhood before pulling in. I gingerly took her out of the car tip toed to the house and that damn squeaky screen door brought me to me knees, NOOOOOOOOOOOO, her eyes popped open as soon as it started to squeak and I was toast.
Eventually, she gave in and settled down to sleep, but not before teaching us a lesson that she and her brother would make us eat our words on every foolhardy parenting critique we had ever made before they were born!